Dreams of Failing High School
Recently, I have been having a recurring dream. In the dream, I suddenly realize that my senior year of high school is coming to an end and I am failing because I have skipped too many classes. That means I won’t have enough credits to graduate and it’s too late to do anything about it.
The funny thing is, I don’t recall ever having this dream while I was actually in high school. I never skipped classes. I was never at risk of not graduating.
One thought that dawned on me in the waking hours was that previously, I was always working toward something. I had to go to class so I could graduate high school and be admitted to college. In college, I had to attend lectures so I could get my degree. After that, I had to apply to jobs so I could provide for myself.
Then I got a job. At first, I had to prove to myself that I could stay employed. I did that. I kept my job for a couple years and I paid my rent and all my other expenses.
I started wondering if maybe I just got lucky landing that job. I didn’t really like the work, but I would have to pass another company’s interview process to find a new role. So I did that.
At job number two, I have worked for a year and reassured myself that I can maintain employment. But I have grown miserable. For the first time in my life, I am not working toward anything.
Retirement? Sure, but that is 40 years away, and I don’t have the discipline to justify getting up every day just to eventually be able to relax four decades from now, if I even live that long.
I don’t care about promotions. I don’t even get joy from paychecks, which are direct deposited into my bank account and then dispersed to pay bills and increment savings.
I’m not working towards anything, except maybe the avoidance of homelessness. Even then, I could move somewhere cheaper and work less. I guess I work to maintain a lifestyle, one I have done little to curate and seldom find joy in.
High school was no problem, but I have serious concerns about continuing to get out of bed each morning, unless I can find a new reason to do so.